Oh, we do like to be beside the seaside. Us Brits, we really do. But why are we jetting off elsewhere when we’ve got perfectly good — scrap that — seriously beautiful beaches right here? Hello, we’re an island! Coastline is something we have plenty of, and with that, lots of beachfronts and seaside towns too. So from the sandy ones to the pebbly ones, the ones with regal piers, perfect fish and chips, and even those with really not much at all, click on for our pick of the UK’s best beach towns.

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As part of our summer style series, where we get inspired by stars from the silver screen, we'll be looking back over some of our favourite movies and their heroines, in search of timeless holiday icons. We've already poured over Gwyenth Paltrow as the ill-fated but fortunately dressed Marge in The Talented Mr Ripley, and this week we're asking you to travel back with us to 2008, the year of Woody Allen's Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

Not since Diane Keaton in 1977's Annie Hall has one of Allen's films really spawned a style icon of such merit – who could forget those spectacles or that waistcoat? That is until Penelope Cruz came along as the fiery María Elena, for which she bagged the Oscar for Best Actress In A Supporting Role.

Allen, whose films are largely set in hot, sultry locations, or at least Americans in holidays scenarios, is largely known for his penchant towards traditional, if somewhat normcore wardrobe preferences; think loafers and slacks in Dad-friendly hues and not much else (see Owen Wilson in Midnight In Paris). Penelope's torrent of a performance as Javier Bardem's (Juan Antonio) unstable and insatiable ex-wife (they are of course married in real life) brings with it an equally riotous wardrobe, largely consisting of too much eye makeup, Bardot-hair, nighties as dresses and sexed-up cheesecloth (is that an oxymoron?).

Not only does Penelope steal the film, she transforms a rather mediocre movie into something worth watching if only to to marvel at her marvellous moods and devilish attire.

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The Olympics haven't exactly enjoyed an auspicious start. People have arrived in Rio to find the village unfinished, the crime rate astronomical, and the water unsafe to swim in. Of course, Rio isn’t alone in that regard.

But the Opening Ceremony is a time to forget all that and focus on the positive. While it wasn’t as starry as the London opening festivities, the Brazilian ceremony at the Maracanã in Rio de Janeiro was unique in its scope and ambition. The goal was to show the history of Brazil, from indigenous people until modernity. And the ceremony didn’t disappoint. Dancers performed on a lighted stage, taking viewers from first human habitation to the arrival of the conquistadors to the shame of slavery, and then onto immigration from Asia and the Middle East. The dancers then leapt across a stage lit to look like there were buildings springing up, apparently with the help of a Cirque du Soleil choreographer.

The ceremony also celebrated Alberto Santos Dumont, whom the Brazilians believe beat the Wright Brothers to be the first in flight.

Then the real highlight. Gisele Bündchen, walking across the stage to “The Girl from Ipanema.” The catwalk was her last and also a record for the world’s longest. Just watch.

Gisele has arrived. #OpeningCeremony pic.twitter.com/SxqgCXcaJt

— Vulture (@vulture) August 6, 2016

Yep. What followed was more song, a dance about conflict, and a lengthy segment about the negative effects of climate change. Things were well-put together, the Brazilian performers were energetic and ridiculously talented, but we all know who the real star of the show was.

The ceremony concluded with a group dance. Once again, Gisele stole the show. That’s quality jump-dancing.

Friday's got us feeling like @Giseleofficial at the #OpeningCeremony 🇧🇷 pic.twitter.com/XQaOzyrQ0T

— billboard (@billboard) August 6, 2016

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For the most part, Facebook is a wonderful place where you can connect with old friends, share interesting articles, and stalk your crush. Sure, some of us spend a little too much time on Facebook, but for the most part, Mark Zuckerberg’s brainchild has changed our lives for the better. Logging into our accounts can bring us laughter, joy, and even (if we’re lucky) love. It’s a way to stay connected in modern society, and share our perspectives and experiences with the world at large.

But then, there are those who threaten to ruin Facebook for everyone. We all have a few individuals in our feeds who drive us to the point of insanity with their relentless (and relentlessly awful) posting. They are the people for whom the “Unfollow” button was created: from your weirdo uncle who posts right-wing conspiracy theories every 30 minutes, to your frenemy who has made it her mission to publicly document every single brunch dish she consumes. We feel your pain, which is why we’ve compiled a list of the 10 types of Facebook posters who drive us all crazy.

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Although disappointing, it's common knowledge that most of the beauty industry isn't exactly well-versed in styling natural hair. The horror stories from models of colour are, sadly, aplenty. And though there are now more curly tresses on the runway, and many brands have made it a mission to come out with curl-friendly products, there's still a long way to go. Case in point: a recent tutorial on US daytime staple the Today show that's going viral.

During a segment called "One-Minute Summer Hair," on-air beauty expert Deepica Mutyala shows viewers how to create easy styles in — you guessed it — 60 seconds or less. The first model receives a (super-cute!) high-ponytail rope braid. But when Mutyala tries to demonstrate a side ponytail on Malyia, the curly-haired model, things quickly take a bad turn.

To start, Mutyala pulls Malyia's hair into a high side-ponytail. She then proceeds to (somewhat aggressively) pull out and loosen the curls around the model's face, resulting in a cringeworthy, '90s-esque look. And the internet responded swiftly.

One viewer uploaded a home video of the segment to Facebook, which you can watch above, which now has more than 5.6 million views. Reactions like these flooded the comments section: "Can't let everyone play in ya hair especially on TV smh lol," "Oh those poor models having to smile knowing good and well they look a hot mess," and "Lmao omg she didnt know anything about natural hair , && somebody pulls on my ponytail like this theres gonna be problems."

According to Us Weekly, unhappy viewers also flocked to Mutyala's Instagram to express their disappointment. She issued the following apology in the comments: "I apologize if I offended you or anyone by no means was that my intention. I am passionate about diversity and it's an incredibly hard battle to fight. Getting in front of the camera is only the first step. I understand representation matters but that also needs to come w compassion, consideration to cultural nuances and respect. I'm truly so genuinely sorry that didn't come across in that segment... @themodelmalyia is absolutely stunning & I'm so grateful she was able to model for me ❤️ apologies again & hope you understand that my heart was in the right place xo."

Malyia came to Mutyala's defence in the thread: "Deepica practiced several times on my hair with the style and I loved it,” Malyia wrote. “As most of you may be aware natural hair reacts to the environment and without being allowed tools or products the final result didn't turn out like the way we intended. I say all that to say I was honored when asked to be a model. And even more grateful to be a visual representation for women that look like me … I would not hesitate to be on another show or segment including hair. This was a dream come true to be on national TV for the first time. Deepica is a sweetheart and I look forward to working with her again. Sending good vibes."

We have reached out to the Today show for comment, and will update the post when we hear back.

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In a Jennifer Aniston-style essay for The Huffington Post, Renee Zellweger has highlighted the dangers of so-called "snark entertainment" in gossip magazines, and the way it can seep into the mainstream media.

The Oscar-winning actress argues that though an infamous October 2014 tabloid report claiming she'd undergone eye surgery in pursuit of a more youthful appearance "didn’t matter," the way it sparked a wider debate in more traditionally reputable areas of the media really did.

"It became the catalyst for my inclusion in subsequent legitimate news stories about self-acceptance and women succumbing to social pressure to look and age a certain way," Zellweger writes. "In my opinion, that tabloid speculations become the subject of mainstream news reporting does matter."

Almost as an aside, Zellweger points out that the 'eye surgery' story was false, but she's more concerned with attacking the "double standard" which still allows women, however successful and respected, to be judged according to perceived flaws in their appearance.

"The resulting message is problematic for younger generations and impressionable minds, and undoubtably triggers myriad subsequent issues regarding conformity, prejudice, equality, self acceptance, bullying and health," Zellweger argues.

Zellweger ends her essay with an entirely sensible call-to-arms: essentially, that we should talk more about our collective "appetite for witnessing people diminished and humiliated with attacks on appearance and character," and the way this "impacts younger generations and struggles for equality."

"Maybe we could talk more about our many true societal challenges and how we can do better," the Bridget Jones actress urges in her final line. You can read Zellweger's essay in full over on The Huffington Post.

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The Olympic Games are closer to achieving gender equality than ever before, according to figures released by the IOC (International Olympic Committee).

Vox reports that 45% of competitors at Rio de Janeiro will be female, a slight rise on the previous best of 44.2% set at the London games in 2012. The percentage of female competitors has increased at every summer games since 1964, when just 13.2% of medal contenders were female.

According to figures available at the Team GB Media Centre, Great Britain and Northern Ireland are sending 366 competitors to the Rio games, of whom 164 are female and 202 are male. That represents a 45% female contingent, roughly in line with the overall figures.

By contrast, for the second consecutive summer games, Team USA are entering more female competitors than male competitors. Of their 554-strong team, 292 - or 53% - are female.

Vox also reports that 47.5% of events at the Rio games will be open to both male and female competitors, which again is a record high. While encouraging, it's worth noting that the summer games are still playing host to some strange gender-based discrepancies.

For example, as the Wall Street Journal reports, the longest distance that male pool swimmers can compete at is 1500m, whereas for female pool swimmers it's just 800m. This prevents Team USA's star swimmer Katie Ledecky from competing in one of the four solo events she won gold at during last year's world championships.

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A recent study published in the British Journal of Psychology suggests that people who behave more altruistically have more sex. Consider this strong support for the saying, "you catch more flies with honey..."

For the study, 192 women and 105 men answered a survey about their altruistic habits, which included how often they donated blood, gave to charities, and helped out their neighbours. They then self-reported on their sexual histories. In comparing the participants' responses and their sex lives, researchers found that people who scored higher on the altruism survey were likely to have had more sexual partners.

Here's the thing about those results, though — the researchers were relying on the participants for an accurate account of their sexual history and their good deeds, which means there may be some over-reporting going on.

That said, we can't think of a reason not to donate blood, give to charities, and help your neighbours more often. Worse comes to worst, you'll have a little more sex.

Click through to Shape for more on having a healthy, happy sex life. (Shape)

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In our current, fast-fashion-obsessed times, the trends move so quickly that we can hardly keep up — and that's saying something. In deciding which "of-the-moment" styles to adopt and which ones to ignore, it's difficult to differentiate between an item that's reached its peak and one that might actually make a comeback in a few short seasons.

And while we're all for getting rid of closet-space-wasters to make room for pieces you'll actually wear, sometimes, it's a fun challenge to take a piece of clothing that no longer feels relevant and figure out how to make it new again. You might be surprised just how much the right styling can give less-than-exciting tops or trousers a second chance.

To prove that this isn't all talk, we challenged a few members of our fashion team to show it really is possible to take a few old trends and teach them new tricks. Below, see how we completely reinvented six meh wardrobe placeholders.

The Trend: The skinny scarf

The Old Way: Around the neck

The New Way: As a belt

"I was admittedly an early adopter of the skinny-scarf trend, but unfortunately, it just didn't last. When the style first came about, I was all about wearing a plain, black skinny scarf with a tee and an equally on-trend (at the time) button-front skirt. It's crazy how these days, that look feels totally stale. To bring the item back to life, I tied it as a belt around my favorite pair of Levi's and wore it with a pyjama-style silk blouse tucked in. I totally dig this, and it's nice to know that with this new way to wear them, my scarves won't end up in a dusty ball at the back of my closet."

— Alyssa Coscarelli, fashion market writer

The Trend: The mock-neck dress

The Old Way: Solo with trainers

The New Way: Over cropped trousers

"Once the temperature drops below 15º C, you can expect to see me in a turtleneck every single day. I love the coverage, the comfort, and the easy, early-aughts, Felicity -esque sensibility it adds to my autumn aesthetic. So, when mock necks suddenly became a thing, I was pretty pumped: a turtleneck I can wear YEAR-ROUND? My love for this 2015 trend is documented on this very website.

"However, I'm a notorious late adopter of trends: Whereas we observed the first pique in mock-neck interest around April of last year, I would only get around to buying my very first take on this style during Black Friday / Cyber Monday sales. (I'm still contemplating chokers. Does that make me a bad fashion writer?) Anyway, despite my procrastination, I went all-in on this: I had multiple dresses and a handful of tops — enough that I could theoretically get away with never showing off my neck.

"Then, the bubble burst, and suddenly, everyone had moved on to slipdresses. I wasn't ready to let go of my precious mock-neck collection (if only because they never got their full day in the sun), so I figured they could use a 2016 revamp.

"Dresses-over-trousers feels like an appropriately nostalgic foil to the pervasiveness of slinky, silky maxis, so I'm all for it. I'm pretty petite, though, so I was hesitant about pairing two baggy/oversized layers — a shapeless mock-neck dress and kick-flare trousers — in such a way. (I rarely wear trousers that aren't skinny fit). However, the cropped length and playful, dangly hem on this black pair pleased me so, and balanced out the trapeze shape of the tunic. Plus, I had a little too much fun shaking around in front of the camera."

—Ana Colon, fashion news writer

The Trend: The crop top

The Old Way: On its own

The New Way: Layered over a long-sleeved graphic tee

"This loose, white, cropped tee has become a layering staple in my closet. With its big sleeves, pairing it underneath sleeveless dresses makes every piece better. But, I don't wear this tee as a crop top by itself anymore. Even with some good trainers and a pair of wide-legged trousers, as a plain, baggy top, this look isn't bad — but it's also not anything to freak out about. While layering underneath my summery stuff is cool and all, I've found a better way to wear this cropped tee — over an equally baggy long-sleeved shirt. The short-over-long-sleeved combo is going to be everywhere this autumn, so if you were thinking about getting rid of your old baggy crop tops, don't."

— Rachel Besser, fashion market editor

The Trend: The button-up shirt

The Old Way: Open over a tee

The New Way: Tied across the body

"Until recently, I never really put much thought into button-ups. The way I saw it, you put it on and button it up — that's it. But this whole skater trend that's going on right now has shown me the light, so to speak, on all the different ways you can wear it. I found this Chanel button-up from the '80s in a vintage shop, started playing with it, and now we're here. I'm not a crossbody-bag guy, per se, but now I wear it like my own little pageant sash. I like to think it makes me look like a skateboarder (even though I'm playing poser)."

—Landon Peoples, fashion editorial assistant

The Trend: The skinny jeans

The Old Way: With a black camisole

The New Way: With a tunic and statement slides

"I'm a dutiful reader of R29 fashion, so I know culottes are IT right now. But there are still days when my legs miss the semi-suffocating cling of stiff denim, so I'm not ready to retire my skinny jeans. These high-waisted, dark-wash Levi's really go with anything, but that doesn't mean the outfits I've put them in are all that inspired. Pairing them with something that's otherwise a too-big shirt, or a shirt dress that doesn't fit exactly right, is a great styling trick: The skinny jeans become almost leggings-like, anchoring the statement piece to my frame underneath, and the tunic top swinging open when I move makes it a much more intentional look than my regular 'this tank is okay I guess' M.O."

— Laura Norkin, copy chief

The Trend: The denim vest

The Old Way: Over a dress

The New Way: In a denim-on-denim ensemble with a neck scarf

"The number of times I've cycled a denim vest through my closet is pretty high. It's one of the few trend pieces that comes back every few years, rather than every few decades. However, the latest iteration (tight, cropped, and light-wash) has become super-basic.

"A couple of years ago, I would pair this vest with every mini dress and jeans-tank combo I had in my closet. For the vest to make the cut now, I needed to shift my approach. Instead of using it as just a finishing accessory, I decided to make the vest the focal point of my outfit. I left the bottom buttons of the vest undone to give the stiff material more flexibility, and wrapped a thick neckerchief around my neck to play down the tight-looking collar.

"Then, so I wouldn't over-complicate it, I treated it like any of my tees and paired it with my favorite culottes and heels. I've had this denim vest for years, but this look definitely felt fresh. Bonus points for staying ahead of the curve, since denim-on-denim is coming again this autumn!"

— Ray Lowe, fashion market writer

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Even when people hold nothing against those with disabilities, they can often unintentionally speak to them in a condescending or alienating way. BBC Three's "Things People With Down's Syndrome Are Tired Of Hearing" video exposes some of the things people say when they don't understand Down Syndrome, in particular.

Down Syndrome is a set of physical and mental traits usually caused by an extra 21st chromosome. While some have considered it a disorder in the past, it's really just another characteristic that varies within the human population.

According to the video, one myth about people with Down Syndrome that needs to go is that they can't have relationships. "Kissing is my favourite pastime, I reckon," says one man with Down Syndrome. One woman describes herself as a romantic and another admits to having a crush on Justin Bieber.

Another comment one mum of a kid with Down Syndrome gets a lot is, "Will she be able to do this? Will she be able to do that?" The answer is always yes, though she may learn how to do these things differently.

"It doesn't stop you from doing anything," another woman with Down Syndrome agrees. She also wants to debunk the term "Down Syndrome sufferer": "The only thing I suffer from is bad attitudes."

One woman sums it up: "People with Down Syndrome are just normal people." Ultimately, the things you shouldn't say to people with Down Syndrome are just the same things you just shouldn't say to anyone.

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The metro tile fast became the go-to for easy, stylish kitchens and bathrooms. It may be the favourite sibling, but recently we’ve spied an uprising of tiles of a subtly different kind making their way into bathrooms. Behold the square tile. Ok, so it’s not a huge departure from the brick shaped metro, but a slight tweak in proportions will give your space a point of difference to all those metro-clad bathrooms out there. So think outside of the rectangle and be inspired by our selection of the best square-tiled bathrooms. It’s hip to be square.

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Most of us have rituals or routines that might not make much sense. Whether it’s wearing a certain t-shirt because it has good vibes, preferring to use the second bathroom stall in a public toilet rather than any of the others, or waiting at the precise same spot on the train platform every morning, things like this make us feel safe, and help us make our world feel manageable, like we’re in control.

However, some people have jobs that can make you feel very out of control – such as pro athletes. When you have to run really fast against other really fast runners, or throw a 4 kilogram metal ball really far, the world must seem very scary. Things could so easily go wrong in a split second and in that split second you have little say over what happens, no matter how hard you’ve trained – it’s little wonder that many of the athletes competing at the Rio Olympics this summer need a few rituals of their own to feel grounded and secure. Here, we’ve rounded up some of the superstitions that Olympic athletes use to manage the stress…

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Breast-feeding is no easy task, even though it's basically one of the most natural things humans do. Having to breast-feed in fear of being judged by others seriously compounds the difficulty, though. That's just one of the reasons it's beautiful to see photos of women from all over the world joining together, with little ones latched on out in the open, for World Breast-Feeding Week.

According to the Daily Mail, 500 women gathered in Pasig City, Philippines, on Saturday, simultaneously feeding their children and holding up signs with slogans like "Breast Is Best." There were similar demonstrations in 120 countries, including China and Romania.

The event, organised by World Alliance for Breastfeeding Action, has been held since 1992. It's about much more than Mila Kunis being allowed to feed baby Wyatt in a restaurant without comment. The goal is to raise awareness of breast-feeding's health benefits and its role in alleviating global poverty (formula is very expensive). There's a lot of good those mamas can do while flashing their breasts to the world.

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The 2016 Rio Olympics are finally underway. After months of worrying about Zika, Brazil's water quality, and a host of other issues, the world's best athletes have congregated in Rio. It's still reportedly a mess: the Olympic village is unfinished, the water is still unsafe for swimming, and there isn't even coffee. Yet, athletes are overlooking these issues to put on the best showing for their countries.

They're competing for their native country's respect and those medals.

While the Olympics are all about sports, some celebrities, many of whom happen to be athletes, are also partaking in the fun. Serena Williams, Gisele Bündchen, Michael Phelps, and a legion of other celebs presented and carried the Olympic torch, or held their country's flag during the opening ceremony and events leading up to the big show.

Many of them are sharing the beauty of the Olympics on Instagram. Here are some of the most stunning celebrity photos of the event so far...

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Strategy session, anyone? Potent Pluto and mental Mercury share a signal this Wednesday, sharpening everyone's intellectual abilities. Take nothing at face value, though! Detective Pluto likes to plumb the depths and discover what's hidden in the shadows. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it's Mercury's calling card. Asking strategic questions can also churn up clues. With these two planets in cahoots, conversations could get pretty suggestive. Pluto is the seducer of the skies, while Mercury is an unapologetic flirt. Circle Wednesday for making your most amorous moves!

On Saturday, the promise of world peace could become a glimmer on the horizon of hope again. Challenger Saturn snaps out of a five-month retrograde and powers forward through Sagittarius — the sign that governs global relations and higher truths. Since Saturn went to sleep on the 25th of March, we've seen police brutality hit the breaking point, disastrous Trumpnados, international violence, and critical levels of xenophobia. But here's hoping the sensible planet's U-turn restores some sanity to our world. On a personal level, forward-moving Saturn can help us put structure behind our dreams — particularly Sagittarius-related ones like applying to university programs, traveling cross-continentally, publishing, and starting entrepreneurial ventures. Multicultural relationships will benefit from the strengthening powers of Saturn. Simply put, #LoveWins.

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Shortly after Gisele Bündchen set a record for sashaying down the world's longest ever catwalk, another Brazilian-born model made history at Friday night's Olympics Opening Ceremony in Rio de Janeiro.

As Huffington Post reports, Brazilian-born, Italian-raised model Lea T became the first trans woman to take on a role in an Olympics Opening Ceremony when she pedalled the bicycle that led the Brazilian team into the stadium.

Though pre-ceremony rumours had suggested the model, whose full name is Leandra Medeiros Cerezo, could be joining Bündchen on that record-breaking catwalk, the fact that her eventual role was slightly smaller hardly diminishes the significance of her very visible participation.

Speaking to the BBC before the Opening Ceremony, Lea T said her involvement would help send a message to the world. "Include everyone, no matter their gender, sexual orientation, race or religion. We are all human beings and we are part of society," is how she summarised that message.

"Brazil is a vast country and all its diversity should be somehow represented in this event," added the model, who has featured in editorials for Vogue Paris, Love Magazine and Interview Magazine, and is also a muse to Givenchy's creative director Riccardo Tisci.

After the ceremony, Lea T celebrated her achievement on Instagram by posting an inspiring picture of her pedalling into the Rio stadium.

Brasil, meu Brasil brasileiro Meu mulato inzoneiro Vou cantar-te nos meus versos O Brasil, samba que dá Bamboleio que faz gingar O Brasil do meu amor Terra de Nosso Senhor Brasil pra mim Pra mim, pra mim Ah! abre a cortina do passado Tira a mãe preta do cerrado Bota o rei congo no congado Brasil, pra mim Deixa cantar de novo o trovador A merencória luz da lua Toda canção do meu amor Quero ver essa dona caminhando Pelos salões arrastando O seu vestido rendado Brasil pra mim Pra mim, pra mim! Brasil, terra boa e gostosa Da morena sestrosa De olhar indiscreto O Brasil samba que dá Bamboleio que faz gingar O Brasil do meu amor Terra de Nosso Senhor Brasil pra mim Pra mim, pra mim! Oh, esse coqueiro que dá coco Onde eu amarro a minha rede Nas noites claras de luar Brasil pra mim Ah! ouve estas fontes murmurantes Aonde eu mato a minha sede E onde a lua vem brincar Ah! esse Brasil lindo e trigueiro É o meu Brasil brasileiro Terra de samba e pandeiro Brasil pra mim, pra mim, Brasil! Brasil pra mim, pra mim, Brasil, Brasil!✌🏼️✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼❤️❤️❤️❤️

A photo posted by leacerezo (@leacerezo) on Aug 5, 2016 at 9:16pm PDT

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These videos will reconcile your arts-and-crafts-loving inner child with your food-porn-viewing adult self. The Australian Vine production company Yelldesign has laid bare the process of making iconic dishes from around the world out of paper, Travel and Leisure reported.

For Italy, there's origami penne and meatballs. The end product is a cross between a table setting and a desk.

There's also a very elaborate origami ramen bowl to represent Japan. It's got an egg sliced down the middle, a piece of pork belly, and everything.

The fish and chips are presumably for England, although they're served on top of The New York Times.

There's also a lesser-known food called jaffle, an Australian sandwich whose edges are sealed using a special iron.

These dishes look so good, you'll want to eat them. Unfortunately, they all look exceedingly complicated to make. And then there's the fact, of course, that they're made out of paper.

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London's Best Bottomless Brunches

Most people think of Ikea as the place to score a cheap side table, a wavy mirror set that resembles two strips of bacon, and a few random wine glasses. But look a little deeper — beyond the humongous showroom and the busy checkout lanes — and you’ll find one of the best international markets around. And we're not just talking about the meatballs.

Most of Ikea’s frozen or shelf-stable products use organic ingredients and are responsibly sourced to boot. They’re also very affordable. So not only will you save some money on your grocery bill, but you can find some seriously delicious international fare. Whether you’re entertaining a crowd, looking for tasty snacks, or just making a quick weeknight meal, Ikea’s market has something for you.

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London's Best Bottomless Brunches

I’m Ariane, I’m 28 years old and on Monday 20th June 2016 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

Read the first part of my story here

And the second part here

'Roid Rage

I have a week of taking them, then a week off them, and fuck me they make me feel GREAT! I’m on a really high dose – 120mg (26 pills) and they turn me into a Duracell bunny, bouncing off the walls, bounding through life, feeling positive about everything, like nothing can touch me, like cancer has nothing on me, like I’m not even ill. ‘Hey guys, look at me, not ill at all, cancer? What’s that? Do I look like I have cancer to you? Would someone with cancer be acting like this?” I go on a manic cleaning spree, I stay up until 1am with friends at a bar, I go on long country walks, I bake cakes, I cook, I go for dinner and plough down a large steak, I go shopping, I bash out a blog and get it published – all in a week. The steroids give me a false sense of wellness, they coat me in a protective bubble. I walk around in a dream-like state. There is a disconnect between my physical and mental self. I do not feel ill; I definitely do not feel like I have cancer, although I’m not quite sure how that’s supposed to ‘feel’. I can’t quite get my head around the fact that inside my body a million tiny cells have changed so much and so rapidly that I now have stage four cancer, I have a tumour in my chest, and my blood counts are so all over the place that I also now have anaemia, because mentally I feel well and actually physically, I feel pretty good too.

And then the dip comes. My consultant warned me of it, and boy does it hit. The first day of not taking them and I’m in the car on my way to pick up some friends. Out of nowhere, mid sentence my head literally drops to my chin, my speech slurs, I cannot talk, a pounding headache suddenly rages over my right eye. For the next few days everything feels like it has slowed down; there’s a soft blurring of the edges of my world, like my eyes have gone into slo-mo mode. I am coming down, I am coming down hard. I’m an anxiety-riddled, emotional wreck and I am suddenly very, very aware that I have cancer. The confidence I had for my new shaved head has gone, I hate my new wig, I don’t want to wear a head scarf. I cry a lot, for about two days. It’s the instability of everything at the moment that’s tough to deal with, the peaks and troughs, the ups and downs. Mainly though it’s the complete and utter lack of control over both my mind and body. I have gone from being a 28-year-old, independent, fun-loving, career-driven female making her own choices and steering her own destiny, to someone whose everyday life is dictated by disease and chemicals.

The steroids also have some really sexy side effects. Firstly, they’ve given me acne – great! I didn’t get acne when I was a teenager but now that I’m nearly 30, I have broken out in an acne-like rash which has decided to rest its little blackhead creatures all over my face. Up next: extreme eating. My appetite has gone into complete overdrive. I want to eat everything in sight, mainly things containing lots of sugar. My mind has no stop-eating switch, so I can and do just eat and eat and eat. I am having two breakfasts a day, lunch, dinner, dessert and normally a late night snack consisting of something really healthy and light, like a bowl of ice cream or some crumpets with lashings of butter. And then to complement the extreme eating, steroids make your body store fat in funny places, mainly your stomach and face. So yes, my flat, toned stomach that I’ve basically worked out on since I can remember – gone. Replaced with a permanent rounded little belly that has a nice orange peel texture, mmm yeah. My slim face, with good bone structure, that’s gone too. I now have what is known as ‘moon face’. So with my shaved head, acne-riddled, rounded, puppy fat face and boobs that have shrunken to nothing from losing so much weight, I now look like a 16-year-old boy. Cheers, cheers for that life, cheers.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I don’t want to sound arrogant but I do (or I should say did) have great hair. People always comment on it and it has, to some extent, formed part of my identity. I spent the week looking over all my facebook pictures, at the various hair styles and colours I’ve had over the years. It felt like the hair loss was an assault on my identity and dignity. There is something very dehumanising about having no hair. It symbolised to me that I was ‘becoming’ a cancer patient.

As the week went on, more and more hair started to come out in my hands. I would spend mornings just tugging at it, filling the sink with hair and by the end of the week it was obvious that my hair had died. After not having washed it for a good 10 days, in a bid to desperately save it and with half of it already fallen out, it had become very limp, dry and matted. Basically, it looked like a dead animal had died and somehow managed to attach itself to my head. It was itchy, my scalp was tender and my hair no longer resembled my hair. It suddenly started to annoy me, I no longer wanted it, I’d fallen out of love with it and it was time to get rid.

So on the hottest day of the year so far (it was a good 30 degrees outside) myself and my beautiful friend Hannah, along with my boyfriend Barry, headed to the local barbers. I decided that I wanted to make it into a bit of an event. We all went for lunch beforehand and I asked Hannah to document everything with photos. Making it into an event somehow made it easier for me to deal with, like it was all a bit of fun. I went straight into the shop and asked the barber how much it would cost for me to have my hair shaved all over. He looked at me like I was mad, “Why do you want to get your hair shaved?!” I explained that I had just been diagnosed with cancer and credit to him, he just nodded like that was a normal, everyday thing that happened in his barbers and responded “£8.50” – the cheapest haircut ever. Normally my salon bill is at least £150.

I had a female barber do it, which was pretty cool and she totally took it her stride. As it came off, it actually felt quite exciting, almost like the shedding of something, maybe all the negative energy I’d been dragging around with me for the last few months. I left the barbers feeling totally liberated and I LOVED my new shaved head. Suddenly I had a new identity, a new style to play with and it wasn’t the ‘cancer patient’ identity that I thought it would be. It was a “Yeah, look at me being all edgy” kind of identity. Like all the great creatives out there, I had managed to reinvent myself. It helps that females with shaved heads are pretty on trend right now; think Stranger Things, Dazed's insta feed and buzz cut beauty Ruth Bell. And of course, it was a massive fucking relief to know that I don’t have a strange shaped head.

Unfortunately, the beautiful shaved head didn’t last more than a few days. The hair continued to fall out and so I now have a patchy shaved head that is bald in places. I occasionally wear a head scarf or hat but for now I’m just rocking the shaved head for as long as I can, until it has literally all fallen out and I am bald. And I’m sure you're all gagging to know: Yes, I’ve lost my pubes.

Feminist rant time… It’s a pretty sad mark of society that even when struggling with cancer I am still obsessed with a) my weight and b) my looks. In my consultation after my first round of chemo, what was top of my list of things to discuss? My worry that I am getting fat from steroids. Keeping in mind that I have lost over a stone and a half in weight, I am hardly getting fat. I am hungry and at times, I find myself trying to stop eating because I’m worried I will get fat. I’m not exercising nearly as much as I used to, the steroids are making me eat everything in sight, yet I’ve only put on 1kg in about three months. So why, why, why am I so concerned about my weight? I have cancer for fuck's sake, hardly the time to be reading Vogue and thinking “Fuck, when am I getting my Karlie Kloss body in shape?” Yet issues surrounding how I should look as a female seem to be so ingrained in me that I cannot let them go, even when having chemo for stage four cancer. I feel down about having bad skin on my face, no hair on my head and feeling generally less feminine, somehow less of a woman. All these things play on my mind, and then I just have to have a serious moment of wising the fuck up, a serious moment of clarity, of realisation that I have to put my health first. As if a bit of podge, some spots and no hair is really what I should be worrying about. Right, time for another piece of cake then.

Fear And Loathing In Great Elm

People rarely talk about how terrifying it is being brave, but take it from me, it is, it really fucking is. Fear and anxiety lurk in strange places, like a lion stalking its prey in the long grass, they can pounce on you when you least expect it. Unfortunately for me, it’s not somewhere quite as exotic as an African plain, but instead Sainsbury’s or somewhere equally dull. Suddenly, I catch someone staring at me, clocking, 'oh, she must have cancer' and that’s enough for the anxiety devil to start yapping away in my ear.

And then there’s the darkness; a big, black, gaping hole that teases and beckons me in. 'Let yourself fall Ariane', it taunts, 'Fall into me, let your mind go, come on, go to those dark places, just for a moment, it might be easier for you, just to let go, just to give up, just to succumb. Take off the mask of courage, lay down your tired mind, breathe in the darkness, let it fill your lungs and mind with morbid, melancholic thoughts, wallow in negativity. Accept your ill fate. Give up the fight.'

I had my second PET scan this week – to see how and if I’m responding to treatment. I am praying for good news and I am trying to remain positive and brave. But they keep creeping in, those nasty, ugly, frightening thoughts. They go something like this:

I am too young to die. There is so much I want to do, so many places I want to visit, cultures I want to see, so many friends' weddings to go to and their babies to meet, so many amazing people I want to work and collaborate with, so many more roast dinners around my family’s kitchen table I want to eat, so many more tables at parties I want to dance on, so many hangovers I actually want to have. I am too young to die. Please let my scan results be positive. Please let the cancer in my lungs (the hardest bits to fight) be clearing. Please be killing these horrible, bastard cancer cells that have decided to attack my body and who are trying to eat me alive. Please be killing those fuckers and not me. I have so many amazing people to live for, so many people who NEED me to live. I am too young to die. Please, please, please let me LIVE.

And then comes the next thought, the game face prep: 'Dry your eyes mate. Splash lots of cold water on your face. Man the fuck up. And go and eat some (lots) of chocolate and pretend you’re fine. Because you are fine, you’re fucking great and you’re going to kick cancer's fucking ass.'

www.futurefertilitytrustuk.org

www.bloodwise.org.u

www.nhs.uk/conditions/Hodgkins-lymphoma

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By coincidence, I bought my ticket to Rio de Janeiro on the same day, last April, that the Brazilian senate voted to impeach embattled President Dilma Rousseff. In the months leading up to my move, I witnessed the image of the country turn from one of partying, tiny bikinis, caipirinhas, and samba to one of political coups, violence, mosquito-borne diseases, and economic collapse. Since arriving in Rio, I’ve been flooded with questions from American friends asking if things are “crazy” down here, which seems ironic to me, given the gun violence and political circus sweeping my home country at the moment. So are things “crazy” in Rio? Sure, but if we’re being honest, Brazil has had more than its fair share of crazy in recent decades, and its current reputation of violence and turmoil is no more representative of Brazil’s reality than partying and bikinis are. Certainly, the problems Rio is facing are very real, but cariocas, as Rio’s locals are known, haven’t allowed that to stop them from living.

Since I set foot in Brazil, I haven’t seen a single person douse herself in bug spray, but you can’t go far without seeing or hearing the words “Fora Temer” — that’s the adopted chant of those against Michel Temer, Brazil’s acting president. In Copacabana, a major tourist destination and Olympic site, the security presence has been amped up in the weeks leading up to the games, with tanks and machine-gun-toting police hanging around the metro stops. But the city’s many beaches are still crowded with tourists and locals sipping coconuts and playing futevôlei (a local hybrid of soccer and volleyball), just like always.

If you’re thinking about coming to Rio, put down the hysterical news articles and buy your ticket. As the first South American city to ever host the Olympics, Rio will inevitably have a major year. But no matter what goes down during the games, or what political and economic problems lie ahead, no one can accuse the people of Cidade Maravilhosa of not knowing how to have a good time. And just where should you go in Rio to find that good time? Read on to find out.

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